It's been a lot of fun, ginger.
We've had some good times, right?
I know I have,
and I think you feel the same way.
[Mimicking ginger] Oh, my God.
Don't say what I think you're gonna say.
[As himself] Ginger...
We had a good run.
The sex...
The pointless conversations before sex,
all of it.
But let's face it,
we have nothing in common.
[As ginger] Don't, Dylan. Please.
You mean everything to me.
This will rock my world.
You complete me.
[As himself] Shh, t-t-t-b-b-b-bye, ginger.
It's over.
Now, you're a good kid.
I know you're gonna land on your feet.
[Bird chirps]
Please don't cry.
[Squawks]
Shh.
[Sighs]
No good.
It's not you, ginger, it's me. I come from a--
Dylan?
What are you doing here?
You don't smoke.
Yeah, I know. I'm trying to start.
Ginger, I think we should talk.
I gotta get ready for work.
Fine.
Ginger, we've had some good times.
Dylan, before you go any further,
there's something I've been wanting to say.
I don't think I'm the girl you're looking for.
Oh, my God, don't say
what I think you're gonna say.
You keep trying to change me.
No, I don't.
Yes, you do. You can't accept the fact
that I don't like caddyshack or ac/dc.
Well, you never listened to their first album.
And what's with the community college crap?
Are you telling me it wasn't you who put these
under the sink next to the tampax?
Nice touch.
Don't you get it?
I already have a career.
Come on.
Look, Dylan...
We have nothing in common.
What about the sex?
Oh, Dylan, sex isn't everything.
And you said that yourself just the other night.
Well, that was right after we had sex.
Don't listen to me. There's a...
Weird half hour there where somehow
it isn't important to guys anymore.
Shh, shh, shh. Look,
I can't do this right now. I'm almost up.
It's over. We're done.
So accept it.
Be a man.
Well, when you put it that way,
I don't know why we went out in the first place.
[Knocking on door] Hey, ginger, you're up.
It's coming back to me.
Miss you.
[Van halen record plays]
You, too.
Captioning made possible by Warner home video
hey, thanks for coming.
Enjoyed it. Hey, boss.
Hey, man.
Hey, Lisa.
Hi, Dylan.
That's a cool dress.
You want to play motorboat? I'll start.
[Imitates motorboat engine]
Keep laughing. You're next.
Ricky, you get that same lunch every day.
Mmm.
We're gonna have to name it after you soon.
[Mouth full] That's fine.
Keep eating. Don't slow down.
You guys ok here?
Great.
Could use some water.
Can we get some water on 9?
First one's free.
Hey, buddy.
What do you got goin' there?
Not hungry? Better eat up.
Don't want to end up like me,
skinny and dumb.
Not the way to go.
Turtle, what are you doing?
Hey, boss.
I'll tell you what.
I got those plates looking wonderful.
[Coughs] How was that shit sandwich?
We serve those now?
Go take care of that.
You're dealing with customers.
Whoa, fire. Fire!
Fire! Fire!
Put it out!
I got it. I got it. I got it.
You ok?
Yeah.
Ah, great.
86 the soufflés, guys.
You know the Norton's have been waiting 30 minutes
for one of these?
Relax, mark, I'll handle it.
How am I supposed to put out 50 entrees tonight
with only one oven?
I'm sorry. You want me
to let the place burn down?
You know what?
At least we would've gotten the insurance money.
I told you, don't worry about the money.
I'm meeting with ray in the morning.
We're gonna get the loan.
Really? When?
I mean, I've been hearing about this phantom loan
since you talked me into this place 3 months ago.
I mean, look around you, Dylan.
You got one oven on life-support,
a freezer that doesn't freeze,
an ice maker that makes... You know, really cold water.
If we don't make a move on the space next door soon,
somebody else will. I mean, come on.
I got a wife and kid to think about.
Mark, I get it.
Uh, no, I-I-I-I don't think you do.
You see here, not only are we not gonna be able
to get a new place--I mean, we're gonna lose this pla--
[muffled] Never listens! Never listens!
Likes to talk! Hears himself talking!
Are you done?
[Sighs] Yeah.
Good. Everything's gonna be fine.
Remember our deal...
You worry about the food,
I'll take care of the business.
Where are my soufflés?
Ask him.
No more soufflés.
Hey, boss, you got a minute?
Uh, I guess so, Wally.
Remember the time when it was really slow here
and I was sitting down watching Sally Jesse
and you shot me with a rubber band to my arm
and said, "Jesus, Wally, stop itching your butt
and get a life"?
Sure, that was yesterday.
Oh, yeah.
Well, anyway,
I decided you was absolutely right.
I gotta broaden my horizons.
If I end up a lifer here like turtle,
I'll kill myself.
That's why there's no time to waste.
I want to be exactly like you, boss.
I want you to be my mentor, my guru,
my rabbi.
When you're chopping the heads off the chickens,
I want to be there.
When you're squeezing the melons,
when you're hitting on the customers,
I want to be right there with you, boss.
You know, chopping, squeezing, hitting,
you know? I mean, I want to just follow you
wherever you go!
Just about a foot feels good.
Right.
Well, you're--you're very loud and that's flattering.
Uh-huh. Uh...
It's good to hear that stuff.
Maybe you would even consider moving in with me.
Really? You mean it?
No. Big no.
But I think turtle might have bunk beds,
so if you two could figure something out...
[Gags]
[Laughs] You got me, boss. Good one!
Hey, took care of the nortons.
Everything's cool.
I'm gonna take off now.
What do you mean?
Uh...
I can't do this right now. My head's not in it.
Let me guess.
Cowgirl gave you the boot.
No.
Yes.
But I got the last burn on her.
I said, baby, when the phone ain't ringing,
that's me not calling.
Yeah.
Really, you said that?
No. But I should've.
Damn it, I just thought of it right now
when I said it to you.
You know, one day
you're gonna meet the right girl...
You're not gonna know what to do.
You know where to find me.
Oh, yeah.
Turtle, never date a girl
who pays her rent in singles.
Ok.
Bills, crap, junk...
"Have you seen me?" No.
Ahh.
Afternoon, ladies.
Oh, you'll never leave me.
Ooh, there's a bargain.
[Dog barking, cat screeching]
Jack!
Oh, are you all right?
I'm sorry. I didn't see you. Are you--are you hurt?
Uh, no, that's ok. I'm on the pill.
Forgive me. I'm sorry.
Jack!
Wait! Where--
where are you--
ok, girls, who wants egg salad?
Oh. You made it?
Yes.
No, thank you.
No, forget it.
[Knocking on door]
Come in.
Hi-hi-hi, Mrs. stubblefield.
Oh, Dylan, you found whiskers.
Where was she?
Oh, she was behind a dumpster.
Some dog chased her back there.
Oh. Well, thank you.
Well, if it ain't the shorty express,
right on time.
Hello, ladies.
Would you like to join us for a drink?
Oh, no, thanks.
I already had a roofie for lunch.
Mmm. Nice pants.
What she means is nice ass.
[Chuckles]
Anyway, I wanted to ask you a quick question.
Oh, don't tell me. Let me guess.
The new girl in apartment 6-c.
Hmm...
You want me to hook you up?
No, thank you. You'll ruin it.
What? I ain't no cock blocker.
Oh.
Where is Mildred?
We sent her for a beer run an hour ago.
Well, there's a heinie in the lettuce drawer.
Dibs.
[Farts] Whoo, look out, girls,
I'm crop-Dustin' again.
Ohh. Lord.
I told you to stop eating those crab cakes.
Anyway, Dylan...
Her name is lila Dubois.
And she just moved in.
And she seems nice enough,
except for that dog of hers.
Dreadful animal.
Ok. All right, well,
nice to see you, ladies. Tah.
No, wait, Dylan.
Um, wouldn't you like to join us for one hand?
No, no, no, no. I'm not the type of guy
who steals pension money from widows and orphans.
Oh. Oh, go on.
What's the matter?
Your nuts as puny as you are?
[Laughing]
Deal me in, bitch.
¶ King of the road ¶
Clara, quit dropping things.
We all know what you're doing under there.
It slipped, I swear.
6 times?
I fold.
Me, too.
I'll see you your socks
and raise you...
Your shorts.
You couldn't raise my shorts with a crane.
Besides, you're bluffing.
Only one way to find out...
Big guy.
[Groans] Straight flush.
[Cello music]
Ooh. Ow. Ow. Sharp.
Ow.
Hey!
What are you doing?
If you get fresh with my wife,
you'll have to deal with me.
I lost a penny. Have you seen it?
Yeah. Uh, it had a picture of Lincoln on it.
You know, the president when you were in high school.
Lady: He has a nice tush.
Man: Hilary, for heaven's sake.
Well, he does.
Ahh. God.
Hey, how's it hangin', ray?
Uh, low, loose, and full of juice.
Come on, ray, we all know
you haven't been laid
since the shuttle exploded.
And that was for all the wrong reasons.
Anyway, how's the loan coming?
Dylan, you're overextended already.
[Sighs] We gotta have this loan or we're dead.
What do you need, some collateral?
You don't have any collateral.
[Intercom beeps]
Hello?
Woman on intercom: Line 3. It's millstone.
Oh.
Hello, sir. Sorry to keep you waiting, Mr. millstone, sir.
Uh, yes, sir. Yes. Everything is in order, sir.
Yes, sir, you can count on me, sir.
[Chuckles]
Wow, that crazy ass-kissing
was hard to watch.
[Mwah mwah mwah]
[Mimicking ray] Sir, sir.
That ass happens to belong to the President of the bank,
the one who approves loans.
Ooh, in that case, tell him to bend over,
I'll be right up.
Maybe some other time. He's busy right now
planning a little soiree for Saturday
to raise money for the arts.
Ray, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Hire you to cater it?
No, let's go down to the lake and make out.
Of course, hire us to do the catering.
We'll do it for cost.
You can show your boss
that you've got what it takes
to be a tight-fisted prick
and we'll show him we're worth the risk.
[Sighs] Ok, I'll try, but I can't promise anything.
Yes. You're a stud. Thank you, ray.
There you go.
Hey, ladies. Caffe di mare.
Bring your mommies.
[Whistles]
Sir, we have fresh fish daily.
Great place.
Ah, nothing like the thrill of the hunt.
[Barking]
Jack?
[Barks]
Where's your mommy?
[Cello playing scales off key]
[Knocking on door]
Watch your intonation, ok?
Ok.
Hey. Hey.
Hi, again. Have you two met?
Jack. Thank you.
Where have you been?
T'etais oú toi, dis donc?
Encore parti?
He was way over on the pier.
Huh, you bad dog. I should spank you.
Ooh. Hey, I was way over on the pier, too.
I was kidding. I mean, I was over there, but...
That was a joke. Maybe not.
No, no, I get it.
You're projecting yourself
into the place of the dog,
joking for me to spank you, too, no?
Yeah. Pretty much.
Uh, Steven, tu reprends depuis le début,
s'il te plait. Huh?
Again, please.
[Sighs] Sorry, um,
I don't even know your name.
Oh, Dylan Ramsey.
Mm, nice to meet you, Dylan Ramsey.
And thank you.
Yeah, no problem.
Hey, I don't know if you're busy or not--
[crash]
I slipped.
Oh, sorry, I have to go.
Oh, ok. I'm over in 10 if you ever need anything,
milk, flour...
Husband.
[Classical music plays]
Isn't it great?
I came all the way to America
to play at the mall.
Lila, it's a paying gig...
In town.
[Classical piano playing]
[Applause]
I'm responsible for that piano.
He didn't even ask.
It's ok, Peter. I know him. It's ok.
Lila, mon amour.
Rene.
Lila, you break my heart.
I've come halfway around the world to find you.
And I came halfway around the world to lose you.
You're more beautiful than ever.
Did I not make you happy? I love you.
Oui, me, 3 percussionists, and half the wind section.
What can I say?
I'm a man who loves too much.
I was stupid.
Oh, not as stupid as I.
So what are you doing here, really?
I came here for you.
Allez, au revoir.
I've got to get back to work.
Work? This is not work.
This is a waste of your talent.
It's only a matter of time
before I'm playing for the philharmonic, ok?
You haven't even tried out, have you?
Come on.
I just thought that you might like
to have dinner with me tonight.
I know what you came here for, rene.
And do you really think I'm just gonna
throw myself at you again?
No. It's just I'll be dining with Max ubermann.
He's the director of the philharmonic,
is he not?
But anyway, if you're too busy...Performing...
I'm telling you, man,
3 times this week I've returned that mutt of hers,
and every time it's the same story.
Sorry, I'm busy. Bye.
If it wasn't for that stupid dog,
I'd never see her at all.
I don't know, man. This girl sounds too real for you.
I don't even know why you like her.
Wait a minute. She's French, right?
Probably doesn't speak any English.
You guys don't have to talk to each other.
She's perfect.
Hey, you're the one who told me
there was a girl out there for me.
Please, I'm just talking out of my ass,
trying to end the conversation.
Kind of like I'm doing now.
So we can get out of here
and see if ray called about the party.
Great. Double or nothing.
If I make this, not only do I win the game,
but I get lila, too.
Uh-huh.
Get in there.
Unh!
All right, it's late. Good game. You win, kid.
Hey, what about my $5.00?
I said "doll hairs."
Hustler.
Pussy.
Jeez, you jumped
a couple of steps there, didn't ya?
Careful. She's probably in a gang.
So what do I do about this girl?
I don't know. What about the pizza man?
Ooh, it's not gonna work.
She's worldly, sophisticated, French.
I'm gonna have to come up with something
a little more inventive.
[Knocking on door]
Dominos.
Yes?
Is this the squankmeyer residence?
Squankmeyer? No.
[Chuckles] I'll tell you,
these complexes are so complex.
I get all twisted around.
Sorry. Good night.
Who was it?
Nobody.
Mercedes, huh?
So was it one of those little, uh,
280 sls or the...
Big kick-ass 500 series?
Uh, I think it was the "I've got the girl
"and you're whacking it in the bushes
with a cold pizza" series.
I can't stop thinking about this girl.
Oh, Dylan, stop torturing yourself.
I mean, look, you know how this is gonna turn out.
It won't be any different than it was
with your little rodeo rider from the saddle sore saloon.
You'll go out, you'll become infatuated,
then in 6 weeks, if she hasn't already left you,
you'll find some reason to dump her.
I mean, either way, you're gonna end up alone.
Again.
Thanks for the pep talk.
Why don't you go coach the clippers?
[Baby cries]
I'll get her.
Hey, do me a favor.
Hold onto this for me.
What is it?
It's Gail's anniversary gift. Check it out.
Oh.
Yeah.
It's nice.
Yeah. It's a surprise,
so just hold it for me.
No, I shouldn't hold onto that.
Well, I can't keep it here.
I don't want her to find it. Just keep it,
and I'll tell you when I need it back.
I'm not the guy for that.
No, I'm gonna get it back from you.
I don't want it. Why not?
I don't need things like this in my life.
I'm asking for one stinking favor.
Just take it. Coming back.
Hey, look who's here, sweetie.
It's Uncle Dylan.
Yes.
Do you want to?
Sure. Here you go.
There you go.
All right, you little punk, I got you...In my grips.
You like that?
All right, you get a little,
but if you garp any back on me, I do it to you.
Ok, look, here's the bottom line.
When I first met you,
I thought you were kind of a jerk.
Your mommy's kind of a bitch sometimes.
Until I got to know you.
And then I could see how really sweet you are--
a-a-at least intermittently.
I mean, what I'm trying to say
is that if you really like this girl,
she has to get to know you.
Gail's right.
Hey, you're a closer, man.
All you need is some quality time
with this girl.
[Whispers] Quality time...
Come on, lila, I'm really sorry.
I really thought he was going to be there.
He was not. He was not. What can I do?
But I promise, tomorrow I call Max
and I arrange for you to meet.
It's all right, rene.
Thanks for trying.
Good night.
May I come in?
No.
A lot of work.
[Toy squeaks]
Hey, Jack.
[Squeak squeak]
Oh, no, sorry, mon vieux,
I don't have time.
[Squeak squeak]
No, I can't.
Jack!
Hey, neighbor.
You haven't seen Jack, have you?
Oh, I'm so late.
Well, go on, get out of here. I'll find him.
Oh, no, I can't let you do that.
He's my problem.
I was gonna look for a dog today, anyway.
This is perfect.
Are you sure?
Yeah, I don't care. Scoot. Skedaddle.
I'm gonna lock up.
Hey, thanks.
[Car backfires]
[Whistles]
It's strictly business, Jack.
No hard feelings.
[Arf]
Hey, it's Dylan. Can I talk to mark?
[Toy squeaking]
Thanks. Yeah, hey. It's me.
Look, buddy, I don't think I'm gonna be able
to make it in today.
Yeah, I'm waiting for the cable guy.
My TV's broken.
I don't know. I don't know what's wrong with it.
[Arf]
It keeps making barking noises. Yeah.
[Arf]
Shh. You want a boot in your butt?
Not you, the phone guy.
Yeah, uh, he's here, too.
The, uh...
I don't know what's wrong with it.
My phone, it's just, uh,
keeps disconnecting at the weirdest--
[beep]
All right, what do you want?
All right, give me that.
There, go nuts.
What part don't you understand?
I throw, you fetch.
It's the latest craze.
All the cool dogs are doing it.
[Pants]
Ok...
What do you want to play?
How 'bout the quiet game?
Go.
[Arf] You lose.
[Toy squeaks]
[Arf]
Hide and seek?
You crafty canine.
Where could it be, Jack?
Where, oh, where? The fridge?
Maybe.
The plant?
Not my first guess.
I'd say right here.
Ahh. I found it.
[Arf arf arf]
You want to play again?
No, thanks. I think it's more fun for you.
So, you do that,
and let me know how it goes.
Great.
Oh, beat it, will ya? Go take a dog nap.
When's your mom come home?
It's time to go look for you.
Yaah! No, no, no, no.
You don't get this. Shh.
I know you want it. Look at how sparkly it is.
[Chuckles] You want that?
Yeah, you and every single girl in the midwest.
Ohh LA LA.
I wish I had it.
[Arf arf]
Jack, I thought we were just friends.
[Car backfires]
Oh. She's home. Come on.
Come on, come on. Get rid of you.
Come on, buddy, into the bathroom.
There you go.
Oh, you sucker.
You're too easy.
Didn't your mommy ever tell you?
Never follow a stranger into the bathroom.
Ow!
Oh, hey, are you ok?
[Tearfully] No, I'm not ok.
I just got fired.
I can't help it if the child is tone-deaf.
How is that my fault?
The parents, they pay me to give him lessons,
but I'm not a miracle worker.
When I was a child, I used to sleep with my instrument.
It had its own pillow.
And this little shit leaves his out in the rain,
and they wonder why the music sounds terrible?
I'm sorry.
Uhhh!
I have no career.
Who am I kidding?
[Sobbing]
Well, I bet you'll feel better when you find Jack.
[Sobbing]
And my dog is missing.
It's gonna be all right.
[Hiccup] Oh!
And now I've got the hiccups.
I could kill that dog.
[Hiccup]
He does this all the time.
Eventually he always comes back,
but he doesn't know this neighborhood.
[Hiccup]
Well, I tell you what.
I guarantee you'll get your dog back.
I bet...In 2 hours you'll have him. Ok?
Yeah?
You think so?
I know so.
Come on.
Let me grab this. Let's go.
[Hiccup]
Uhhh!
[Chuckles]
How many you got in here?
You ok?
Yeah. I...I usually work with barbells.
This is a more...
Awkward...
Situation.
Hey, you know, this park is great.
If I was a dog, I'd come here.
Oh, God. I can't help feeling
like I've wasted my whole life.
I mean...
All I've done since I was 5 years old is...
Play music.
Jeez, the only focus I had when I was 5
was not to wet the bed.
I used to sprinkle cereal on my sheets at night,
and then when I'd hear "snap, crackle, pop,"
I'd wake up and run to the bathroom.
Of course, I had to kill those guys.
They knew too much.
Snap and crackle were cool,
but pop had a little bit of a tooth problem.
[Chuckles]
[Laughs]
She smiled. Finally.
[Sighs]
Ooh, a playground.
Let's play.
Dylan, what are you doing?
Shh, shh, shh! You'll spook him.
Settle in.
Ok, what you got, horsy?
What you got? That ain't much.
Hee hee hee! Ooh!
Yeah!
Is that it? I saw your mommy at kmart.
You can ride her for a quarter.
That's what I said.
Ohh! Oh!
Are you--oops! Are you ok? Sorry.
Was that 8 seconds?
Oh, my God.
[Chuckles]
You almost made me forget
how terrible this week has been for me.
Oh, it can't be that bad.
Ha! And on top of everything,
my former fiancé just showed up out of nowhere.
He expects me to forget
everything that happened between us
and fly back to Paris with him.
Can you believe it?
That bastard.
And just because he's gorgeous and talented and charming
and rich and famous and...
I get it. Keep goin'.
He thinks I'm just going to forget about how he treated me.
Unhh!
The things I hated the most were his lies.
Without honesty, you have nothing. You agree?
Yeah.
Uh, honesty is very important.
Ice cream!
Now, that's... Really important.
All right. I tell you what.
You've had a long day.
Uh...Why don't you go inside,
take a bath, relax, light some candles.
I'll get out there and do a final pass
of the neighborhood. Ok?
You would do that?
Sure. Yeah, no problem.
And I'll see you later.
I mean, if I find him.
Dylan?
Yeah.
I'm very lucky to have a neighbor like you.
Yeah.
[Door closes]
Oop. God.
Ooh, burn on me.
You got out of the bathroom door.
You want to call letterman, or should I?
[Imitating letterman] This dog has a gift.
[Autodialing]
[Ring]
Hey. Wally, it's Dylan.
Yeah. Can you get lasagna and salad for two
delivered to my house stat?
And make it nice. Thanks, pal.
You don't need my credit card.
I own the place. Remember?
All right. You're doin' good.
Well, well, well.
It's time to take you home, buddy,
and earn my hero stripes.
Yeah!
[Whimpers]
You did not.
Where's the ring, Jack?
I need to have it.
Look at me, you little tarantula.
I know you know where it is.
Do the right thing, and point your snout at it.
Talk to me. [Knock knock]
Who is it? Wally.
Oh...My...God.
Oh, no.
It's single white female.
So, let me get this right, boss.
You lost mark's ring,
and then you stole some broad's dog
to help you find the ring,
and then the dog lost the...
Oh, wait. Let me start over.
Just look.
You want some flowers for that vase?
Huh?
Hey. Don't give him any of that.
He doesn't get anything till we get the ring back.
Heh heh. This dog'll eat anything.
Hey, there's my mail key.
[Grrr]
It's difficult to tell.
This could be the ring right here.
And you know what that means.
Sure. Cut him open, doc.
I'll grab his paws.
That's a little drastic.
If it's in there, all you have to do
is wait for it to pass through his system...
And then retrieve it.
I think you're the only one psyched-up
for that treasure hunt, doc.
Oh, you won this round, my friend,
but this is far from over.
What are you sniffin' around for? It's all good grass.
Just do it. I don't have all day.
Hey, I got an idea.
This worked on me once in summer camp.
Oh...
Yeah.
Ooh!
Doesn't that feel good?
Nice warm water.
Loosens everything up.
It's so relaxing.
Yeah.
Great. Now I gotta go.
All right.
Put you right here.
Stay.
I'll be real quick. Just number one.
[Grrr]
Jack?
[Pooping noises]
Jack, wait!
Come on.
Uhh.
How we doin'?
[Sighs]
Sorry, boss. No ring.
Well, thanks for comin' over, man.
I value this time we spend together, boss.
Did I get any on me?
Mmm...A little right here.
You got it.
Clean up.
Sure thing, boss.
[Jack panting]
Oh, my gosh. The only thing worse than doggy breath
is doggy morning breath.
Go!
Wait. If you're up here, then what's poking in...
Yoo hoo hoo! My God!
What?!
What are you doin' in my bed?
It was cold on the couch, and...
Besides, I heard a noise.
You just snuggled up on me like some sort of pea pod.
[Chuckling] Yeah.
Get out.
Wait.
Where'd you get those underpants?
Oh, outta the hamper. I had to dig a little.
Oh, my God! That's disgusting!
Take 'em off!
No, don't. Wait. Just...Get out.
[Doorbell chimes]
[Arf arf arf]
[Doorbell] I'll get it.
[Arf]
Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!
Who is it?
It's lila.
God!
[Whimpers]
[Whimpering] Shh!
Look out.
[Uneasily] Hi.
Sorry. I didn't want to interrupt you. I--
[chuckling] You didn't. There's--we're not--
there's nothing--
we weren't--
there's noth--
[chuckling] That's funny.
Uh...
Hi.
Good morning.
I'll go make the bed.
Aaah! Ok.
This guy's, uh...
No, it's ok. I'm open.
Uh, I guess you didn't have any luck last night.
I mean...With Jack.
Uh, so I made, uh, posters.
And do you have something to hang them with?
Yeah. Sure, I do. Wait here. I'll go with you.
No.
No, no. It's no problem.
No, I'll be right back. Just 2 seconds.
Ok. Let's do it.
I figure we'll start on bradbury
and work our way north.
There's a little coffee shop if you want to grab a bite.
I really...Appreciate your help, but...
Isn't there somewhere you have to be?
I own the place, baby. I don't punch a clock.
Besides, you shouldn't do this by yourself.
Dylan...
Rene called last night, and I told him about Jack.
I must've been very upset, but...
He offered to help me.
Like that's gonna work? What a worm.
The guy thinks he can weasel his way
back into your life through your dog?
How could I say no?
I'll coach you.
Mm-hmm.
[Arf arf]
Were you hungry, too?
There you go.
[Chuckles]
Knock yourself out.
Plenty of vitamins.
Good for your coloring.
How's this?
I think a little incentive would not hurt.
A reward, perhaps?
No. I cannot. I don't have enough.
But I do.
Give me the pen.
Oh...Thank you! Merci!
You're welcome.
Wow. A hundred dollars.
It's a lot of money, you know?
Yeah, if you're tryin' to get a chicken back.
¶ Loo loo ¶
no. I cannot--
shh.
I insist.
Uh-huh. We are talking about dollars.
I see.
Are you crazy, rene? This is too much. I cannot--
uh! Let's be adults about this, shall we?
Ha ha! Are we done?
Oh, yes. We're done.
What business did you say you were in?
Oh, I own a little restaurant. Italian food.
I hope you sell a lot of noodles.
¶ The life I lead is the life of a dog ¶
¶ I may have fleas, but I run our yard ¶
¶ I see those clones lookin' down on me ¶
¶ but unlike those clones, this dog is free ¶
¶ oh, lord, it's a dog's life ¶
¶ dog's life ¶
¶ oh, lord, it's a dog's life ¶
¶ dog's life ¶
¶ I'm feelin' kinda high, really high ¶
¶ high, high, high, high... ¶
¶ the life I lead is the life of a dog ¶
¶ I may have fleas, but I run our yard ¶
¶ I ain't no slave to a suit and a tie ¶
¶ no rat-race clone, I'll never be that guy ¶
¶ I ain't caught up in some selfish career ¶
¶ I'm livin' in love, oh, not in fear ¶
¶ I see those clones lookin' down on me ¶
¶ but unlike those clones ¶
¶ oh, lord, it's a dog's life ¶
¶ dog's life ¶
¶ oh, lord, it's a dog's life ¶
¶ dog's life, oh, lord, it's... ¶
I know what you're trying to do,
but it won't work.
I know what you did do, and you don't deserve her.
Listen, man, she speaks 5 languages,
plays 6 instruments.
She eats les coquilles, les grenouilles.
She drinks montrachet and chateau margaux.
So if you think you're gonna get her
with some spaghetti and meatballs...
I think you're out of your mind...
And out of your league.
She and I have a history together.
And in case you haven't heard...
How you say?
History repeats itself.
Well, rene, you may have all that over me.
In fact, you do.
But the good thing about me is,
I don't have to stop in the middle of a lame cutdown
to ask, "how you say?" What's that about?
"How you say?" Now, I know you gotta scoot along.
You don't want to be late for your...How do you say?
Dipshit convention.
Yeah. I'm from here, buddy.
I think fast, and I talk fast.
I'm a local yokel.
[Cell phone rings]
Gimme a sec.
Yeah.
Ray's here for the tasting,
and I don't know how long I can stall him.
Where the hell are you? I told--
that was a close one.
Ha ha ha!
Walk away.
We're walking away.
[Beep]
[Sighs]
Too soon, I guess.
Give it some time.
Well, um...
Thank you for everything and, um...
[Clears throat]
Good night.
May I have a glass of water?
Sure.
No ice.
Merci. Have a seat.
Lila...
Remember...
When you used to come home at night...
Tired...
And I used to massage your feet?
Come on.
Give it to me.
Wow.
Why are you so tense?
Wow. I still have magic hands.
You remember the magic hands?
Relax. Come on. Lie back.
Close your eyes.
Oh, lila...
My God, I missed you.
No, I can't do this. I'm not doing this again.
Shh. Relax. You can do it because you trust me...
Because I'm a different man...
Because I've evolved.
Ohh! No. No.
No. No, no.
No, no, no, no.
Ok. Ok. I've been selfish.
Now...Let's slow down.
Ok.
I gotta go to the bathroom.
You remember.
This is rene...
Liar, cheat,
potential carrier of venereal disease.
It's been a while, though.
People deserve a second chance.
Maybe he's changed.
What?
Arrete! Come on!
Va-t'en. Va-t'en.
[Door closes]
Lila! Where is your sense of humor?
Makes me laugh.
Connard!
I have her just where I want her.
[Whines]
What did you do?
Are you ok?
[Whimpering]
You don't look so hot.
Yeah.
[Rock playing]
Arf!
[Whining]
Arf arf!
[Woman rapping]
Good...Puppy.
[Whining]
He's a good doggy.
[Grrr grrr]
Sing it, baby.
Come here, buddy.
[Burps]
Aha.
There you go.
Mmm.
Drink.
All right, don't be so grumpy, buddy.
We're in a dog store.
This place should be like Disneyland to you.
Hmm.
These look good. Mm-hmm.
"Tartar control"?
You know what the leading cause of tartar is?
Eating your own poop.
Yeah. Don't play dumb. I've seen you.
Hmm.
Look, mommy. It's the lost doggy in the picture.
[Dylan gasps]
What's goin' on, boys?
Just a little friendly goldfish hunt.
There you are. Come here, friend.
Oh, you are a winner.
Hee hee!
Ooh, looky here, Jack.
Hee hee hee hoo! I got one.
Looky, Jack. A new buddy.
You want a new friend? Huh?
Want somebody to play with?
You give me the ring, I'll buy you the fish.
[Gulps]
[Whistling]
Polly want an earthquake? Polly want an earthquake?
Polly want--
Brian, play nice.
Polly want an earthquake?
Brian, you heard your mom. Play nice.
You're not my boss.
I know I'm not your boss,
but if you shake that cage one more time,
I'm gonna start my own little earthquake
on your face.
Get it? Got it? Good.
Hah hah! Is that it?
Is that your big, bad speech?
Well, I got news for you and your fag dog, mister.
You're outta your league.
That's the man, mommy.
He pat my bottom, put me in his lap.
We played santy claus.
He touched my naughty place.
Get it? Got it? Good!
[Chuckles] Easy, kid.
You run the show.
We're all friends here.
Everybody walks away. Sorry, bird. Did--aah!
Uhh!
¡Ay, caramba!
Let's get outta here.
[Woof woof]
[Arf]
Shh. Come on. You be good,
or you don't get that stuff in the car. Ohh!
Dylan?
Oh!
Yeah!
[Lila humming]
Dylan. I thought it was you.
Hey, lila.
What are you doing?
Uh...Laundry.
But shouldn't you undress first?
No. I gotta let it soak in.
Shout it out. [Chuckles]
Are you sure you're ok?
You seem to be a little bit...
Anxious.
I'm fine. Just waitin' for the dryer to dry.
This might help. Oh.
[Dryer runs]
[Thumping and banging]
[Jack yelps]
[Thump thump]
[Bang thump]
Wet clothes.
[Jack yelps]
[Thump]
And boots.
[Chuckles]
Big load.
[Bang thump bang] [Yip]
Ok. Bye.
Ok.
Oh, ho, ho, ho.
Jack.
Oh, yeah. I'm sorry, pal.
[Whines] That was uncool.
[Static electricity crackling]
Yeah. [Chuckles]
I should've thrown in a bounce.
All right, you're fine. You're fine.
Rrrr!
[Sniffing]
[Toilet flushes]
Oh, hey, boss.
Wally, why do you have to wait to get to my house
before you throw down a big Stanley steamer?
How did you get in here, anyway?
Oh. I had a key made while you were sleepin'.
I didn't want to wake you up.
Did you ever work for Selena?
[Bitingly] Hello, Jack.
Anything you want to give me?
[Whining]
Hmm.
Now we play my way.
Wally, load it up.
[Neigh]
[Woof woof]
[Woof woof woof]
[Woof]
[Woof woof woof]
[Woof]
[Grrr woof]
[Woof woof woof]
[Woof]
[Woof woof]
He's mine.
[Woof woof woof]
Let me do it.
[Woof]
[Woof woof woof woof]
[Click]
[Barking continues]
[Grrr]
[Gunshot] [Yip]
See what happened to him? And he was a good doggy.
Startin' to get it?
[Knock on door]
Did you order pizza?
Mm-mmm.
[Crying]
Who is it?
It's lila. I want to talk to you.
Uhh.
Chew. Chew. Quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet.
Lila: Dylan.
Here. Take him in the bathroom.
Hmm?
Go in the bathroom. Be quiet.
Hide, hide, hide.
Is everything ok?
Yes! I'm just cleaning up! It's a mess!
Stay in here and be super quiet.
But, boss, I can't be quiet. I got the dog on--
no, no. No. No. Shh!
Stay. Shh. Quiet.
Hey.
Hey! I know you.
I'm not interrupting something, am I?
No, no. Don't be ridiculous.
Is there a girl in there?
A girl? You're the only girl I know.
[Chuckling] Oh.
Well, um...
I just wanted to come by and say hi.
Just say hi. Interesting.
No, actually, I, um,
I wanted you to know that I'm sorry
for being such a terrible neighbor.
I should not have made Jack your problem.
Trust me...
I made Jack my own problem.
Ohhh... You're so sweet.
I am sweet. I've heard that.
Anyway, you said it yourself.
He's run off before. I'm sure he'll pop up.
Hey! Oh!
Mosquitoes.
Oh, my God, you're gonna get eaten alive.
Let's get outta here.
I know the perfect spot to take you.
How long have you owned it?
3 months.
I like it.
Yeah?
Let me show you something really cool.
Hey, where I come from, this would be illegal.
A harmless little b&e?
6 months to a year Max.
Got it.
What is this place?
Well, this is hopefully... The new wing to my restaurant.
Doesn't look like much right now...
But use your imagination.
Over here is gonna be all big windows.
Back there's gonna be a bar, really cool.
And up front in the corner, I'm gonna have live music.
It sounds like you can already see it.
Yeah. Yeah, of course.
Just picture it in your head, then you make it happen.
Wow. You're so positive.
Nothing gets in your way.
Well, it's easy.
Isn't there something you've always wanted to do?
No.
No, I don't.
No? Come on.
Well, um, it's embarrassing.
Um...
Yeah, I'm...
I'd love to play my cello on the great stage
in front of thousands of people, but...
But...You ever imagine yourself doing it?
Mmm. It would be pointless.
I'm too afraid to even have an audition.
Rene used to tell me
that I don't have it in me.
I think that's why I really left France,
to prove him wrong.
Well, I don't know.
Well, he is wrong,
and you just haven't proved it yet.
See, I pictured you with a smile.
Look what happened.
What are you all dressed up for?
Road trip.
And what's that for?
You'll see.
Come on.
Ok. Don't mind that sign.
Back up, back up. Back up.
Where are we?
I can't ruin the surprise.
Just go straight.
Ok, come on.
Step, step.
Are you sure?
Watch your step.
Watch your step, I can't watch anything.
You'll be very safe.
Don't take advantage, huh?
I'm not.
It's just a minefield I wanted to show you.
All right, we're coming this way.
You're fairly safe.
You're gonna go right about to here and...
That's it?
I'll be right back.
Stay there.
You're fine, you're fine.
Ok, and take it off.
I don't believe this.
How...
It's amazing what a free pizza
will get you.
Now, come on, we don't have all day.
I don't understand.
Play.
But...But there's nobody here.
I know. Baby steps.
You gotta crawl before you can walk.
Use your imagination.
This is silly.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the captain and tennille will not be seen tonight
so we may bring you a special presentation
of miss lila Dubois.
[Imitating applause]
Show us your boobs!
And I have to?
No, that's worst-case scenario.
When people yell it at me, I just, uh,
I just ignore 'em.
That's very easy to say,
but what about when it's full?
You gotta remember,
they're all on your team.
The people that come to listen--
they're here to escape screaming kids
and honking horns and ringing phones.
Any noise that comes out of that cello
they're gonna love.
And what about the guy who wants to see my boobs?
Well, that's me,
and I promise I won't yell during the show.
Now play.
Ok.
There you go. Get the bow.
All right, crank it up,
plug it in, whatever you gotta do.
Pull out the antenna.
All right, axl.
That was so great.
You are good.
Hey, I pictured the house full of people.
That's right, standing room only.
Thank you. It felt so good.
No problem. You were the one--
man: Hey, Dylan!
Thanks for the extra anchovies.
Ok.
Uh...
All right. Well, let's get outta here.
I'll carry this. You carry this.
Is there a handle?
Wally, this better not be a waste of time.
I'm telling you, boss.
If anyone can get that ring back,
it's my Uncle Harry.
Dip.
Oh, he's cool.
Dylan: Are you sure this guy's
a certified dog whisperer?
Oh, yeah, boss.
My mom said he normally only works with racing dogs,
and she said he was on that's incredible.
Man: Next.
That's us.
Hey, Uncle Harry.
Hey, Wally.
They add a little too much batter
at the cloning lab?
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Hey, I see large and small.
What happened to medium?
We get it.
Uncle Harry taught me how to wrestle when I was 7.
Wally!
Don't forget about our little secret.
Can we talk about the ring?
Thank you.
Is he always this quiet?
What's that? Really.
You don't say.
You don't say!
What is it?
He didn't say.
Uh, come on, Uncle Harry.
We really gotta get that ring.
Ok, ok!
All right, come on.
Talk to me, baby.
I see.
Stay.
Come!
I didn't what him to hear this.
You want that dog to help you find that ring,
you'd better start treatin' him nice!
What? Didn't he tell you how much fun we had
at the pet store or the goldfish buffet?
What does he want me to do,
lick his nuts?
[Barks happily]
Sounds like a resounding yes to me.
I'm sure it would be more fun than the dryer!
That's incredible.
That's what Fran tarkenton thought.
Well, what am I supposed to do?
Just think what would make you happy and do it with him.
Not that!
Ok, Wally, let's wrestle.
Shirts and skins!
Like the old days!
Ah, your mother can't help you now!
You know, I've been-- I've been thinking about it.
I just--I really think we should go with the lobster.
Ok, fine. We'll go with the lobster. Great.
Wait, wait, no, no, no.
Bad--bad idea.
I mean, we're talking 200 people here, right?
Somebody's bound to be allergic
to shellfish, huh?
So, uh, what about the beef?
Definitely, definitely the beef, hmm?
All right, relax, rain man.
This is your department, you make the call.
I gotta go.
Now do me.
¶ Well, I'm back again ¶
¶ you thought you got rid of me ¶
¶ I talk too much and all I care about is me ¶
¶ I'm back again ¶
¶ I'm here to waste some time of yours ¶
¶ I'll just need a couple bucks or maybe more ¶
and then what'd she say?
Oh, I can't wait to tell the girls. Ha ha ha.
Oh.
Yeah.
Rather. Mm-hmm.
You'll be the talk of the town.
All-you-can-eat buffet for free.
Better than Vegas.
Here's a good one.
Wanna watch Lassie?
[Arf arf]
Yeah. Oh, she's hot.
Almost too pretty though, you know.
She definitely puts the ass in Lassie.
[Whines]
You got the ring!
You're a good boy.
You're the best doggy
in the whole world. I love...
Oh, my God! You suck!
You lost the best part. I'll kill you!
Get over here!
You rat! You dirty little hamster!
Bad boy! Come here!
Heel!
[Arf arf]
Don't you--don't try it.
Oh, we were just starting
to get along, weren't we?
[Arf]
Oh, you're dead! Come on!
Heel! Stop!
Stay! Bad dog!
I'll teach you to play dead.
[Arf arf arf arf]
Blah, blah, blah.
You mess with the bull, you get the horns.
[Clatters]
Jack!
Ja...
Oh, I was dreaming.
Oh, it was so real.
It was like Jack was here.
Yes, but we know he is here.
No, we don't. Rene!
Yes. Jack! Come out, baby.
Dylan, I'm so sorry. He's being delusional.
I shouldn't even be here,
but I didn't want you to have to deal with him alone.
It's no problem.
Hey, you know what?
What're you doing tomorrow night?
I'm catering this little shindig.
Oh, I would love to go, but I can't.
I have plans to attend a function with rene.
Hey, not as a date, just a friend.
Max ubermann, the director of the philharmonic,
will be there.
Is this bad?
No, that's great.
That's the same party I'm working.
Come on, Jack, baby!
I know you're here.
He's not here, rene.
I'm telling you he is here!
This guy over there is a liar.
Now, rene, that hurts down here.
Why would I do something like that, anyway?
Why? To get into her pants.
What? Rene, only you would think
of something that filthy.
[Bowl clatters]
What is this?
Oh. That is a refrigerator door handle,
and this is my cereal.
Oh, yeah?
I think I will eat some
because I'm hungry.
Want some?
Now we're leaving, rene.
We're leaving?
I'm dreaming.
Fine.
I'll call you later.
I'm on to you, Mr. local yokel.
Smile. We'll see who's smiling
when I find that mutt of hers.
Ooh!
¶ Dum dum dum ¶
what a weirdo.
[Retching]
Dah dah dah dah.
[Arf arf arf]
$5,000? Do you have anything maybe smaller?
Not that would fit this setting, sir.
Why don't you and me make a deal?
Let's kick the shit out of the middleman
and split his cut. You know where he lives?
There is no middleman, sir.
Well, is there anybody
you'd like me to kick the crap out of
to get this price down?
Seriously, just point 'em out.
They'll never trace it back to you--
manager, boss...
Life partner.
If I may suggest, sir,
you could always go zirconium.
No. No, I can't.
That ring belongs to my best friend.
I can't put in some cheap rock.
All right. Can I get this one by tomorrow night?
That'll cost you extra, sir.
Of course it will! Why wouldn't it?
You know, it's lucky how that works out for you?
'Cause it could have fallen either way.
Tonight's the night. The big night.
Champagne and swans.
Just tell me one thing. Just tell me you brought it.
Oh, yeah, it's right here.
It's right here. Got it.
I got it. You wanna feel? Grab it.
No.
All right, get in there.
[Knock at door]
Rene? The door is open.
Bon jour.
I'll be out in a few minutes.
We don't have all day.
Good fortune and good cheer.
Oh, thank you, kind sir.
Bless you.
My, what fine animals you have.
Animals?
Your 2 dogs.
2 dogs? This one's mine.
I don't know where the other one came from.
Oh, this little one is worth $10,000.
[Telephone rings]
[Answering machine beeps]
Man: Hi, I'm calling about your reward poster.
We--we found your dog.
Yeah, he's doing fine. He's down here by the pier.
Hello. Oui. Yes.
Yes?
Yes. Don't move.
Don't move. I'll be right there, ok?
Lila? I forgot my wallet.
I'm leaving the invitations on the table, ok?
You meet me at the party.
Bye. Hurry up.
Hey, rene!
I call. Me, too.
[Knock at door]
Come on in.
Hey, what's up, ladies?
Well, if it isn't the pillsbury doughboy.
Just put it down. What do I owe you?
How about a lap dance?
Uh, sure, maybe later.
Let's see. That was 3 large pies with 4 toppings.
Or was that 5 pies with half and half?
What do you guys usually pay?
Well, 40 ought to do it.
¶ Do you remember ¶
¶ the 21st night of September? ¶
thank you. You're welcome.
Another.
Yes, sir.
Uh-oh, ray. What're you drinkin'?
Dewars on the rocks. It's the old man's drink.
Old man?
Yeah...Millstone.
Dylan: Oh.
Dylan?
Lila. Oh, you look great.
You, too.
Hey.
Who's your friend?
She's hot.
Yeah.
I'm ray. I'm kind of a hugger.
Ok, keep up the good work, ray.
There you are, you mutt.
Oh, thank you very much.
I'm gonna take him out of your hands.
Excuse me, excuse me.
According to--to your poster,
there's a little issue of money to contend with.
Oh, yeah, sure, you're right.
You give me your phone number,
and I'll give you a call, ok?
I want my money. I want my money!
Help me! Mister!
The short guy with the hair. Where is his car?
Over there by the van.
¶ Oh, what a night ¶
¶ late December back in '63 ¶
¶ what a very special time for me ¶
¶ I remember, what a night ¶
¶ oh, what a night ¶
¶ no, I didn't even know his name ¶
¶ I was never gonna be the same... ¶
lila!
Rene.
Did you find your wallet?
What?
Oh, yeah, sure. Of course.
Rene, it's good to see you.
Of course it is.
Ah, there's ubermann.
Lila, come let me introduce you
and let our friend here get back to the kitchen.
Good luck.
Wally: I'll get it. [Telephone rings]
Hello?
Wally. Finally. There you are.
Hey, run over to leder's jewelers,
pick up a package,
and bring it to me. You got that?
Ok, boss. I'm on it.
Uh, sorry, ladies.
Duty calls.
Take it easy.
I hope they fit!
All right, you clowns!
Which one of you
is responsible for this crap, huh?
Just kidding.
I really scared the hell out of you, though, there,
didn't I? Ha ha!
I'm sorry, kids.
I just have to tell you I'm really impressed.
I think the food is a-plus. Congratulations.
Thank you. Does that mean we get the loan?
Oh, no, no, no, it doesn't hurt,
but, son, when I loan money, I'm not just looking
at balance sheets and credit references
and pastry swans, no, sir.
I'm also looking at character and commitment as well.
Oh, we are committed, and I'll tell you what.
If you give us that loan, your first meal
at the new restaurant is comped.
I'll tell you what, son.
If I give you that loan, they're all comped.
Keep up the good work.
Keep your feet on the mats.
Excuse me, miss. I think you're in my seat.
Oh, hi.
Hey. What're you doing alone?
Besides you and rene, I don't know anyone here.
What about Carl over there?
How are you, buddy?
Look at you, you old sheep humper.
Give me a jingle. I'll catch you on the jangle.
Call the old number. It'll give you a new one.
Good stuff. Love to bitzy.
Who is that guy?
I have no idea.
So what happened with ubermann?
Did you get the audition?
Um...
I haven't met him yet.
Rene thought I should wait until later.
Of course he did.
Come on. Let's go.
Oh, no, I can't.
No, come on.
We have to.
Baby steps. Come with me.
Ok.
And what if rene's correct, and I should wait?
Hey, rene doesn't want you to audition
and show everyone how great you are.
He wants you to be afraid so you'll need him.
There's ubermann.
Lila, what are you doing?
My gosh, it's pepe lepuke.
I told you, this is not the time.
Please get out of my way.
Come to your senses.
This is not you acting like this. This is him.
Come on, baby. This isn't in you to do such a thing.
You're wrong.
Remember when you freeze who tried to stop you.
Give this to ubermann.
It's a little bootleg I made
live at the Hollywood bowl.
Ok? Now, pearl jam's on there, too,
so I need it back. Go, go, go.
Sorry to interrupt you...
Oh, it's gotta sting a little bit.
We'll see.
Hey. Hey, Dylan. Come here a sec.
Give me the ring.
I'm gonna stick it in one of the swans.
The ring?
Yeah. Now?
Come on, hurry up before she sees us.
Ok, all right. The ring is a, uh...
It's a funny story.
You're gonna think
it's funnier than anybody because...
Hang on. 2 seconds.
2 seconds. Wait here. I got it.
Wait there.
Where is it?
Oh, hey, boss.
Come on.
God! Oh, my God,
you're so fired, you're rehired.
There it is, your ring.
Nice and shiny, safe and sound.
Great. Thanks. Where's the box?
The box? Screw the box!
Who cares about the box!
You want the ring or the box?
Get a grip. You're scaring people.
All right. I'm just saying.
[Jack barking]
Jack, what are you doing in there?
[Arf arf]
¶ Meant for someone else, but not for me ¶
¶ love was out to get me ¶
¶ that's the way it seemed ¶
¶ disappoint and heartache are my dreams... ¶
a treat for the lady.
Oh, I can't even look at one of those.
Yeah, well, this one is a little different.
No, thanks.
Bear--bear with me.
Just, you know, take a bite right here,
right where the spoon is, right from the middle.
No.
Just eat the swan for me!
Ok, ok, ok.
Mmm!
What, something in there...Hard...
Oh, boy. Huh?
Hey, how was the surprise?
That is a sweet diamond.
Diamond? Yeah.
You know how much a diamond like that one cost?
It's cubic zirconium.
The setting is mark's grandmother's.
I made a deal.
The restaurant takes off, I replace that with a diamond.
Great.
I gotta throw up.
Mr. millstone, can I talk to you for a minute?
[Cell phone ringing] Yes. Hold that a second.
Sure.
Hello? Speaking.
What?
Oh, no, that's terrible!
Yeah, I understand.
These things happen all the time.
Yeah, well, thanks anyway.
Bye-bye.
Something wrong?
Yeah, big time.
Neil diamond's plane got delayed.
He was flying in here tonight
to sing for my wife's birthday.
Now he can't make it.
Wow. That's too bad.
Hey, if I could just ask you about this loan--
oh, look, I can't talk to you about that now.
Look, son, I know you're a nice guy
and you make good food,
but I got a real problem here.
Can you understand?
Neil diamond is her all-time favorite.
Excuse me.
Bandleader: Hey, thanks a lot.
We'll be right back after a short break.
[Brother love's traveling salvation show plays]
[Lip-synching to Neil diamond] ¶ hot August night ¶
¶ and the leaves hanging down ¶
¶ and the grass on the ground ¶
¶ smelling sweet ¶
¶ move up the road ¶
¶ to the outside of town ¶
¶ and the sound of that good gospel beat ¶
¶ sits a ragged tent ¶
¶ where there ain't no trees ¶
¶ and that gospel group ¶
¶ telling you and me it's love, brother love ¶
¶ say brother love's traveling salvation show ¶
¶ Halle-- Halle-- ¶
¶ pack up the babies and grab the old ladies ¶
¶ and everyone goes ¶
¶ 'cause everyone knows ¶
¶ brother love's show ¶
¶ the room gets suddenly still ¶
¶ and when you'd almost bet ¶
¶ you could hear yourself sweat ¶
¶ he walks in ¶
¶ eyes black as coal ¶
¶ and when he lifts his face ¶
¶ every ear in the place is on him ¶
[record stops]
[Guests groan]
[Laughs]
Get off.
¶ Ooh ¶
no.
¶ Ooh ¶ ¶ ooh ¶
¶ starting soft and slow ¶
¶ like a small earthquake ¶
¶ and when he lets go ¶
¶ half the valley shakes ¶
¶ it's love ¶
¶ brother love, say brother love's ¶
¶ traveling salvation show ¶
¶ Halle-- Halle-- ¶
¶ pack up the babies and grab the old ladies ¶
¶ and everyone goes ¶
¶ 'cause everyone knows ¶
¶ brother love's show ¶
¶ hallelujah ¶
¶ brother's ¶
¶ Halle-- Halle-- ¶
I say, brothers.
Brothers!
Now you got yourself 2 good hands.
And when your brother's in trouble,
you gotta reach out one hand for him,
'cause that's what it's there for.
And when your heart is troubled,
you gotta reach out the other hand.
Reach it out to the man up there,
'cause that's what he's there for.
¶ Take my hand in yours ¶
¶ walk with me this day ¶
¶ in my heart, I know ¶
¶ I will never stray ¶
¶ Halle-- Halle-- Halle-- ¶
¶ Halle-- Halle-- ¶
¶ Halle-- Halle-- Halle-- ¶
¶ love, brother love, say brother love's ¶
¶ traveling salvation show ¶
¶ Halle-- Halle-- ¶
¶ pack up the babies and grab the old ladies ¶
¶ and everything goes ¶
oh, I'm all right.
¶ Love, brother love, say brother love's ¶
¶ traveling salvation show ¶
sing it, baby. I said love!
[Cheering]
Mrs. millstone,
I know I'm no Neil diamond,
but Happy Birthday anyway.
Ohh. [Laughs]
That's all right. You won me over.
Now give me some sugar.
Oh.
[Laughs] I tell you what, son.
What you did here was priceless.
So congratulations.
You got the loan on sheer guts.
Good luck, son.
Come on, Mildred.
Let's get you cleaned up.
Oh.
What the hell was that?
I don't know, but we got it.
I know, man. Yeah.
Hey, let's go tell Gail, huh?
Yeah.
Bastard.
Honey, we got the loan.
Dylan, what are you all dressed up for?
Forget about it. Did you hear what I just said?
We got the loan. We got the loan.
Wally: Hey, boss!
Look what I found.
Jack.
Jack, what's up, buddy? How are you?
Oh, you owe me 5 grand.
Where was he?
Oh, it was the strangest thing, boss.
He was inside your car.
What?
Rene: I knew it.
Hey, rene, good news. Jack's back.
Good news for Jack.
Bad news for you when lila finds out.
Take him.
Oh, no, you won't.
No way.
You take him. Give him back to her.
Hey, do I get the 10 grand?
What are you talking about?
There was no 10 grand.
Well, I don't want him.
Jeez.
He had the dog in his apartment all along.
Oh, yeah. That's right.
We took really good care of him.
We got to play, watch TV--
Wally, don't help.
Wait a minute.
You stole her dog?
Isn't that a felony?
Gail, "felony" is such an...
Accurate word. Please don't use it.
Let's just say I borrowed him.
Guys, don't look at me like this.
It's both your faults.
You're the one who said
I need to spend some quality time with her.
It was just supposed to be for a couple hours.
We'd go look for Jack,
we'd have some fun together,
she'd like me,
then I'd return him, I'd be a hero.
What?
[Sighs]
Don't worry, you are a hero.
My hero.
[Answering machine beeps]
Lila, are you there? It's Dylan. Hey--
lila, I know you're upset,
but it was all--
lila, please don't fast-forward.
Ok? Please. Just...
Please, look at your front door.
I know there's no excuse for what I did,
but there is an apology,
so please don't throw this one away.
Hey, what do you want from me?
[Arf]
[Sighs]
[Telephone rings]
[Answering machine beeps]
Rene: Lila, c'est rene.
Allo, allo.
Are you here? No?
Ok, so I've got the tickets,
second flight to Paris
on Friday night,
if you want, on twa, 10 P.M.,
and, uh...
I'm going to call you
tomorrow morning. I love you.
Au revoir, mon amour.
[Sighs] [Machine beeps]
Mover: Watch the corner.
Hey, you want to give me a hand with that?
Second mover: Hold on to it.
Damn.
No, no, no, no.
What are you doing?
Lila?
Ho-ho-hold it, pal.
You can't go in there.
Lila.
She ain't here.
Where is she? Is she coming back?
She ain't here.
Can you at least tell me
where you're taking her stuff?
No. Arty, watch the corner.
Heads up, pal.
Get off.
You gotta tell me
where you're taking this stuff, man.
If this couch goes,
my whole life goes with it.
You're starting to piss me off.
Come on.
You know how you spend your whole life
looking for the perfect one,
you finally find it,
and you let it slip through your fingers?
Buddy, it's just a piece of furniture.
I'm not talking about the furniture,
I'm talking about a girl.
The girl.
Everything was perfect,
and I ruined it.
I'm so stupid.
That's touching,
but you're still not getting an address.
Now get off of there before you hurt yourself.
Too late.
God.
That about does it.
Thank you.
I'll have my guys come in
and take care of this trash for you.
For what it's worth,
he sounded sincere.
[Laughs]
If you're gonna throw all this out,
you mind if I keep this?
Thank you.
[Laughs]
Boss, can I get you anything to drink?
Uh, no, I'm good. Thanks.
Hey, what are you guys doing with that?
We're throwing it away. It's junk.
Well--
here, check it out.
New menus came. [Laughs]
Look at this. I don't believe it.
I mean, we actually did it.
I know. This is-- this is great, man.
Oh, this is great, man.
Come on, buddy. Snap out of it.
I know. I'm sorry, buddy.
I'm gonna go show these to Gail.
Ok.
Hey, boss,
I'll be back in about an hour.
Wally, come here for a minute.
Oh, sure thing, boss. What's up?
Let me have this.
I need to go for a drive.
Take the floor for me?
[Laughs] You almost got me again, boss.
That was good. That was good.
I'm serious, man. Cover for me?
Yes! Yes! Ha ha.
[Jack barks]
Jack?
Hey.
Jack. Wait!
Jack.
Come here, buddy.
Jack?
Where are you?
Still chasing the same old dog?
And what are you going to do
when you catch him, kidnap him again?
You know what, I deserve that.
I did a bad thing. I was wrong.
But you know what?
I think we had fun together.
And you and I did ok, too.
So--
so what?
So--
so.
Show me your boobs.
Ok.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't. I was kidding.
Jack just ate, and I...[Laughs]
You know what?
Look at this place.
Remember what I said about conquering your fears up here?
Forget it.
This place would scare me shitless.
My God. Look at all the seats.
So what are you doing here?
This is a special place for me.
I once made out with a cello player up there.
Oh, yeah.
Truth is, she got a little handsy, and...
I'm a bit of a prude, so that didn't fly.
[Sniffs]
You know what they say about cellists?
They do it in a chair
with their legs spread wide.
Good God, ma'am.
There's a dog in our presence.
Oh, I know.
And he misses you.
Wow. [Laughs]
Let's get out of here.
Yeah.
So why did you come here?
Was it my letters?
No. They were nice, but...
Was it the hat?
No.
It was the party.
Oh, when I gave the tape to ubermann.
No.
When you sang.
Really?
I didn't know you could be so sexy.
[Laughs] Oh, yeah.
I didn't know you were a Neil diamond fan.
He's got a hundred hits.
I'll do a different one every night.
[Humming]
Let's get through today first.
Ok.
[Rene sighs]
Stewardess.
How much longer do I have to stay
in this God-forsaken place?
It'll be about another 10 minutes
before we take off. I'm sorry.
Your "sorries" don't help us get off the ground.
Forget it.
Where is the bathroom?
Right back there.
You are little, I'm big.
You lose.
That's the man.
He's the one who did it.
He patted my bottom, put me in his lap.
We played santy claus.
[Groove is in the heart plays]
Captioning made possible by Warner bros.
¶ Dig ¶
Subtitles ripped by:
Tommy0412
¶ the chills that you spill up my back ¶
¶ keep me filled with satisfaction ¶
¶ when we're done ¶
¶ satisfaction of what's to come ¶
¶ I couldn't ask for another ¶
¶ no, I couldn't ask for another ¶
¶ another try ¶
¶ your groove I do deeply dig ¶
¶ no walls, only the bridge ¶
¶ my supper dish, my succotash wish ¶
¶ sing it, baby ¶
¶ I couldn't ask for another ¶
¶ uh-huh uh-huh ¶
¶ no, I couldn't ask for another ¶
¶ I--I--I-- I--I--I ¶
¶ no, I couldn't ask for another ¶
¶ dj soul was on a roll ¶
¶ I've been told he can't be sold ¶
¶ he's not vicious or malicious ¶
¶ just de-lovely and delicious ¶
¶ I couldn't ask for another ¶
¶ uh, something that's in this torso yeah ¶
¶ pop gotta deal it, bone and on and on ¶
¶ Dee-lite-ful, truly Dee-lite-ful ¶
¶ like making it, doing it, 'specially at a show ¶
¶ feeling kind of high, like a hendrix cd ¶
¶ music makes muscle move like amazing ¶
¶ artist stylin', all is special here ¶
¶ flow of the rhythm, yeah, I wanna be ¶
¶ come on, flowin', glowin' with electric eyes ¶
¶ as I dip to the dob, baby, you'll realize ¶
¶ baby, you see the funky side of me ¶
¶ maybe you'll see that rhythm is the key ¶
¶ get-get with it-with it ¶
¶ can't think quit it-quit it ¶
¶ stomp on the street ¶
¶ when I hear a funk beat ¶
¶ playing pied Piper ¶
¶ follow this troop ¶
¶ baby, just sing about the groove ¶
¶ sing it groove is in the heart ¶
¶ na na na na ¶
¶ groove is in the heart ¶
¶ na na na na ¶
¶ groove is in the heart ¶
¶ na na na na na ¶
¶ groove is in the heart ¶
[pop]
¶ 1, 2, 3 ¶
[shudders]
¶ Blow them on and on ¶
¶ aah ¶
man: Groove is in your heart.
¶ Groove is in the heart a-ah ¶
¶ groove is in the heart a-ah ¶
¶ groove is in the heart ¶
¶ groove is in the heart a-ah ¶
¶ uh uh uh ¶
[laughs]
Crew: ¶ groove is in the heart ¶
¶ groove is in the heart ¶
¶ na na na na ¶
[new song begins]
¶ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ¶
¶ you've got the burden of your baggage upon you ¶
¶ you've got your ragged entourage and you know ¶
¶ you've got the rain beating down around you ¶
¶ but a coward in the shadow ¶
¶ of your very soul is telling you ¶
¶ to leave ¶
¶ before a chemical reaction reveals you ¶
¶ you've been deceived ¶
¶ by some person you've acquired to shoot you ¶
¶ and I can see ¶
¶ that you operate ¶
¶ on a thousand different levels ¶
¶ it's a bitter feud ¶
¶ but you know it's been decided ¶
¶ I can sympathize ¶
¶ I slipped a note into your ¶
¶ birth control pill case ¶
¶ and now I'm waiting for the moment ¶
¶ when I see your face ¶
¶ well, it's all on you ¶
¶ but you know it's been decided ¶
¶ I can sympathize ¶
¶ I slipped a note into your ¶
¶ birth control pill case ¶
¶ ooh ooh ooh ooh ¶